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Callie sat staring out at the gray skies, trying to digest everything she had been through the last 10 years of her life.  The overcast, dark gray sky and the constant drizzle of the day matched her mood.  Come to think of it, she didn’t really have a mood; she was pretty much numb and cold inside.  She can’t remember the last time she had a really good belly laugh and felt carefree.  She can’t remember a time she wasn’t struggling to overcome some obstacle; childhood poverty, working two jobs to put herself through college, struggling through too many bad decisions in high school, and her most recent bad choice in boyfriends.  She reminisced on how she ended up where she was at this point in her life at only 24 years of age.

Callie grew up in a Christian home. Her parents never finished high school but they made sure she was able to go to a Christian grade school and participate in church youth group activities.  When Callie’s Dad was laid off work for six months, during Callie’s 8^th grade year, her parents decided to put her into public school to save money.  Callie babysat on weekends and contributed to the family grocery bill.  Between her babysitting money, her mom’s paycheck from the local convenient store, and their huge garden, they made ends meet.  Callie was nervous about public school, but she understood the decision.  Callie always knew she was poor, but the church helped to provide for families in need through food baskets and lots of prayer. Callie’s youth pastor, Pastor Gary, helped her through many hard times.  He was there for her when the family dog died. He was there for her when her Father lost his job, he was there for her when she didn’t want to contribute her babysitting money to the family fund.  Pastor Gary was great with all the kids. He was the real deal: he taught strong biblical truths and how to serve others.  Pastor Gary was almost like another dad to Callie.  He, and his wife Trisha, prayed with her about her new school transition.

Callie assimilated well into her new school, even though the school year was a quarter of the way over. She made friends with another Christian girl, Debbie, and a boy named Rick.  There were others she socialized with during school, but Debbie and Rick understood what it was like to go from a private school to a public school. The three formed a tight bond and hung out after school and on weekends. They helped each other with homework, encouraged each other if one of them struggled with a subject, and played liked kids should play; all out laughing and having fun.  “That’s it, that is the last time I laughed and felt carefree: 8^th grade.” Callie said out loud to herself.  Her new cat, Oscar, looked over at her, yawned, stretched and went back to sleep on the window ledge of her studio apartment.

Freshman year started and Callie was ecstatic to learn that she, Rick, and Debbie were in three classes together. They were all so relieved to have their support system.  North Town High School was extremely large, serving their town of one hundred thousand residents and the surrounding 2 counties.  Callie took a biology and statistics class which Debbie and Rick did not, so for the last two classes of the day, she was on her own.  The first day of biology class, she sat next to a girl name Roxanne.  Roxanne was popular with the boys and the party girls.  Callie wasn’t interested in that lifestyle, so she told herself she would make it a point to be friendly to Roxanne, but not too chummy.

“Come on Callie, don’t be a chicken, just join us for the bonfire.” Roxanne coaxed.  School had been in session 5 weeks and Roxanne had invited her to 2 different weekend parties to which Callie declined.  “I’m beginning to think you think you are too good for us” Roxanne chided.  “No, it’s not that, its just that my parents wouldn’t approve if I went to a party where there was beer.”  Callie remembers explaining.  “Well, then don’t tell them there will be beer.” Roxanne countered.  Callie explained that being deceptive wasn’t something she and her family believed in; her parents were always up front with Callie and always encouraged her to be honest.  Callie remembers Roxanne laughing out loud, hard, and teasing her about being a goody-two-shoes.  Inside, Callie was fuming, but she didn’t show it.  In the end Callie made the first of many regretful decisions and decided to go to the party.  That decision resulted in her fibbing to her parents about the nature of the party and all out deception afterwards. She had let the seed of sin take root.

Callie resisted any invitation for beer or anything else for the first hour she was there. In addition to beer, there were people smoking what she assumed was pot, and others doing something they said gave them the giggles and hallucinations.  Callie started to sweat and get nervous. She wanted to go home so bad, but she made the unfortunate decision to ask Debbie to pick her up at 9:30 that night; it was now only 8:00.  Callie invited Debbie to come along, pleaded with her, but Debbie had made plans with her parents to go to dinner and a movie.  The compromise was that Debbie would pick her up and spend the night at her house.  Rick had also declined Callie’s invitation to join the party. He had started dating Diane, a girl in their class, and had been increasingly busy with her. Callie got along great with Diane but its not like the three musketeers would become the four musketeers, so they gave Rick and Diane their space.

Callie was sitting by the bonfire alone for a few minutes when a cute boy from the Sophomore class sat next to her.  She remembers thinking how handsome he was and how blue his eyes were.  He introduced himself as Caleb and the two started talking.  Caleb noticed that Callie didn’t have anything to drink, so he offered to get her some punch.  She noticed that his glass held what looked like red soda, so she agreed. She had the biggest butterflies in her stomach waiting for Caleb to come back.  She couldn’t believe that Caleb, this hot Sophomore, chose to sit next to her and wasn’t drinking beer like all these other people.  Wow, she thought, punch at a bonfire.  Caleb came back with a glass, and she remembers it tasting yummy. It was very sweet and had a slight heat going down.  She hadn’t had anything to drink since she left the house and the smoke made her throat burn so she drank the glass down immediately.  “Whoa, cowgirl, look at you,” said Caleb.  Callie thought he was teasing her about chugging the punch and looking un-lady like, so she apologized and explained how thirsty she was.  Caleb grabbed her glass and offered to get more.   As Callie stood up to warm her hands up by the fire, she suddenly felt dizzy. “What is going on”, she thought.  She remembers having this strange warmth in her stomach, a little dizzy feeling in her head, and all of a sudden not caring that she was at the bonfire with a bunch of people she didn’t know. She didn’t even care that Roxanne, who invited her, had spent a grand total of about 10 minutes talking to her before running off.

Caleb returned with another glass of punch and told her to go slow.  Callie remembers thinking, briefly, that she had been stupid to think she would be drinking actual punch at this party.  Of course, it was laced with something.  When she asked Caleb about the ingredients in the punch, he told her it was fruit punch, orange juice, Sprite, and Everclear. When Callie asked him what Everclear was, he thought she was joking. He laughed at her and told her she was a big girl now. Since Callie was already halfway through her second glass, her inhibitions were gone, and she laughed along with him.  She remembers Caleb getting closer to her and holding her hand. She couldn’t explain what feelings she was having, but she didn’t want them to go away, and she was well on her way to an alcohol induced fog, so she happily followed Caleb into the woods.

By 9:45, Debbie was getting antsy, Callie promised she would go out to the area where everyone parked their cars and meet her there.  Debbie did not fancy the idea of walking into that party to look for Callie, but when she did, she was mortified.  She saw Callie staggering a bit, as she walked arm in arm with a boy. Debbie remembered seeing him in the halls and heard he was trouble, leading girls down paths they should never go.  Callie had leaves on the back of her clothes and hair and was giggling a little too loud.  Debbie walked up to the two of them and asked Callie if she was ready to go.  Callie looked at her, a little surprised that it was already so late, and asked Debbie if she wanted some punch. 

On the ride home, Debbie was furious. She basically caused a scene to get Callie to come with her. Caleb tried to talk Debbie into staying, ended up calling her some unsightly names, and told Callie she better go with her snobby friend. He whispered something in Callie’s ear which caused her to laugh out loud and kiss him full on the mouth.  Debbie was embarrassed at Callie’s behavior; she was a shy girl who never even held hands with a boy. She was afraid of boys and even more afraid of being around the wrong crowd.  She was so frustrated with Callie, she couldn’t even look at her.  “Come on Debs, it was fun. Don’t be such a bore.”  Callie said in a sing-song, slurred voice.  “I’ll tell you all about Caleb when you come in the house.”   Debbie informed Callie that she would not be spending the night, but she did decide to cover for Callie so her parents wouldn’t see her in this condition. It was a decision she later regretted.  Debbie talked to Callie’s parents as soon as they went inside while Callie managed to climb the stairs; a feat Debbie could hardly believe she was able to manage.  Debbie fibbed about Callie eating too much candy and having a tummy and headache and said she would just go say goodnight to Callie and go home.  Somehow, Callie’s parents bought the story and went to bed themselves.

The next day, Callie called Debbie and apologized. She explained what happened and that she really didn’t know she drank alcohol at first. She explained that after drinking a glass and a half, she lost her senses and started making dumb decisions and promised it wouldn’t happen again.  “Come on Debs, we all but lost Rick in our trio, let’s not let this stupid mistake come between our friendship.”  Debbie accepted Callie’s apology and the two of them made plans to go to a movie the following weekend. That movie excursion never happened, nor did any others.  Callie intended to steer clear of Caleb and Roxanne’s friends, but she made bad decision after bad decision.  Throughout the rest of the Freshman, Sophomore, and part of most of her Junior year, Callie continued to party too hard. She went through a few boyfriends and continued to hang with the party crowd. She remained undercover to her parents until her junior year, but not Pastor Gary. 

Callie had been skipping the after-church programs for a long time.  For whatever reason, Pastor Gary never talked to her parents about it. Instead, he and his wife Trisha, would have Callie over for dinner occasionally and pray with her. Callie was defiant with everyone else, but somehow, she managed to sit through these dinners and prayer sessions. One night, after dinner at Pastor Gary’s house, Callie was walking home when Roxanne stopped and told her to hop in the car. Hours later, Callie went home way too drunk. Her parents questioned her, and she became defiant, admitted what she had been doing and dared her parents to kick her out.  After that, their relationship was cold. Her parents continued to try but Callie became more and more hardened to them.  She had already stopped talking to Rick and Debbie altogether.  That was a huge regret she would live with forever.

By the Grace of God, at the beginning of her Senior year, Callie had stopped partying. She realized she was on a bad path and had every intention of making things right with her parents, Debbie, and Rick.  Debbie had been dating a classmate, Scott, while Rick still dated Diane.  The four of them hung out on weekends, going to football games, drive-ins, and any other school activities. Callie was mournful for what she threw away. She knew she wouldn’t get that relationship back with Debbie and Rick, but she knew she had to try.  She asked them both if she could meet Saturday morning for coffee. Reluctantly, they agreed, and decided on 10 a.m.  Tragically, Rick was involved in a farming accident Friday night, while helping his dad. The blood loss from the combine accident was too great, and Rick succumbed to it before making it to the hospital.  Callie was inconsolable: she wanted to make amends, she wanted to tell Rick how wrong she was, she wanted to tell him that she had a crush on him since the first time they met but was too afraid to tell him for fear it would ruin their friendship.  Now, none of these words would take place with him. Now, she would live with regret until the day she died. Rick was one of the kindest, gentlest people she had ever met, and she threw their friendship away.

 After that, something in Callie died and she wanted to get way. She ended up graduating high school early.  Despite her reckless behavior, she was able to maintain a 4.0 GPA.  She knew she had been blessed with intelligence and needed to use her gift. She wanted to go to college, and knew her parents couldn’t help financially, so she had started applying for grants.  The few she was able to obtain, paid for tuition but not books. She moved away from her parent’s house to be closer to the community college from which she would gain her prerequisites.  She figured a 2 hour drive was too much to handle, she didn’t have a car, and a taxi would be too expensive.  She rented a studio apartment that was just big enough for her and just cheap enough if she maintained her two part-time jobs. One of her jobs was at a local bar: another bad decision she would later regret.  Her other job was at a local bank, working Saturdays.  Callie would go in at 8:00 on Saturday at the bank, after working until midnight at the bar on Friday, only to go back in to the bar at 7:00 Saturday night.  She also worked at the bar a couple of 3-hour night shifts during the week. 

She remembers when it happened, when she met Damien.  Damien was a bartender and she was a cocktail waitress, she laughed at the cliché when they started flirting with each other.  Damien would offer Callie drinks when he made a little too much and it wouldn’t fit into the glass.  She turned him down at first, but on one fateful night, something about the way he looked at her turned her to gelatin, and she took the drink.  It made her recall the first time she had that punch at the bonfire, how it burned all the way down.  “What is it, it tastes great.”  Damien told her it was a Brandy Manhattan and told her he could make sure there was more where that came from. He winked at her and walked away to help the next customer.  She felt familiar butterflies in her stomach, along with a bowling ball and a voice in her head that screamed at her to turn away as fast as she could. That voice warned her that she needed to look for another job. Looking back, Callie wished, with all that was inside of her, that she would have listened to that voice. Instead, she left a note on a napkin that read “Manhattan sounds like a great place.”

Three months later, Callie and Damien moved in together. That decision went against everything Callie had been brought up to believe. She knew she was straying further and further away and deeper into darkness, but the way Damien made her feel was hypnotizing.  She started drinking more and Damien started to get more and more possessive of her. At first, she thought it was cute that he got a little jealous, but after he talked her into moving in with him, it began to get worrisome.  She hadn’t planned on moving in, but he talked her into it with the promise of how much easier it would be on her bills. She wouldn’t have to work at the bank and she could study more.  Callie liked the idea of focusing on school. Her Human Resources degree was the first step in her career; she wanted to work her way through an HR department and all the way to CEO at an Executive Company.  When she told Damien her dream, he was cruel about it.  He said something really mean and derogatory about her only being able to get to CEO by sleeping her way to the top.  It caused an ugly fight with Callie threatening to move back into her Studio Apartment that she sublet.  In the end, she didn’t go through with her threat. Damien gave her some sob story about the pressure he was under and how sorry he was. He said it was intimidating to be with such a smart lady.  She assured him that she didn’t look down on him and never would. The two made up and continued for several weeks without incident.

The next incident was the first time he used physical violence. Callie had been at school when it happened.  She was leaving class, when she saw one of her classmates Tyler walking out. Tyler was in her Ethics class which reminded her that she forgot to clarify the assignment with the instructor. She ran up to Tyler and asked him if he could give her the reading for tomorrow and whether there would be a test.  He laughed about their instructor loving pop-quizzes and gave her the reading assignment.  They departed and before Callie could get across the parking lot to the sidewalk that would lead her to the bus stop, she felt someone grab her arm and yank her backward.  She was startled and let out a small scream.  “Shut up bitch, you think you can go behind my back and get on with any dude you want?” To her horror, it was Damien. A thousand questions went through her brain as he was shoving her into the front seat of his car; Why was he at her school, was he following her, why did he think she was cheating on him, why did he use such physical force.  Damien accused her of sleeping with classmates, questioned if she was sleeping with her instructors, and questioned her as to why she would try to make him look so bad by cheating on him.  Callie could smell alcohol, and she knew that hard liquor made Damien mean. This was the first time she began to seriously think about leaving him. She knew she needed to play it cool here, not get him any angrier than he already was, and get back to his house safely.  She remembers how she spoke in a sickly-sweet way to him, assuring him that there was no man that could ever make her feel the way he does. She told him what she was talking to Tyler about and even showed him the notes of the assignment she took.  She began to take his hand in hers and kiss it.  She was able to calm Damien down and they drove back to his apartment. She wanted so bad to ask him if he would let her drive, but she knew that would spark his insecurity and anger, so she prayed to make it back safely.

The next day, Damien apologized and promised to make it up to her.  He told her he would quit drinking hard liquor and would never hurt her again.  Callie can’t recall why she believed him and decided to stay. There was something about the way Damien apologized that was so convincing to her and she started to feel like she wasn’t worth much to anyone else besides him.  They had been together almost a year, and he would interject little things into their conversations that made her doubt her worth.  He’d say things like “I think you are so sexy, even though others think you’re overweight”, or “Who cares if you’re clumsy, you do all the right things in the dark”, or “I can see why your GPA was so good in high school, that school district has a terrible reputation for bad teachers.”   Little comments like that were like hand grenades laced in between silk. It was hard to explain, but somehow, Damien managed to break Callie’s confidence, making her feel like he was the only one who cared about her, and she wasn’t smart, pretty, or fun to be around. She was way behind in her timeline for school; another thing she let Damien control. He would sulk if she took too many classes, so she cut her schedule back.

Things between them went fine for the next 4 months, until one Friday night while they were working.  Callie had a customer sit in her section for a long time. He was alone and drinking Brandy Manhattan’s. At first, Damien made a little too much and gave it to Callie with a wink.  The customer called Callie over to order a second drink and started asking about the area. He said he was going to move with his wife and daughter.  Callie talked to him, told him she hadn’t been in this area for very long, but gave him some general information.  Apparently, Damien thought she talked too long and made a snide comment about her shoving her chest in the customers face.  Callie looked at him like he was crazy, she had been standing a good distance from the customer until he showed her a picture of his daughter and Callie moved a little closer to look at his phone.  She brought the drink to the customer and left quickly.  The customer ordered one more and told her it would be his last so he would like to cash out.  When Callie put the order in for the last drink, Damien had fire in his eyes.  He asked her if you could grab some supplies out of the stock closet.  When she went inside, she could feel hands on her back. Damien had followed her inside, slammed her against the wall so hard, she lost her breath. She felt like she was dying, not able to catch her breath.  He squeezed her arms so tight they felt like they would break.  He put his face in hers, and she could smell the liquor.  “You had better get yourself together and stop whoring around flirting with the customers. If you can’t get tips by being a good waitress, you think you can do it by throwing yourself at them”?  Callie kept her mouth shut and knew she would pack her clothes and leave as soon as she got home. She knew she could get back into her studio apartment any time.  He slammed her against the wall one more time and told her get busy and get back out to the floor.

Callie woke up in the middle of the night tied to the bed. She was groggy and confused. The last thing she remembered was Damien walking in on her while she was packing her clothes. She could see his eyes turn angry. She remembered thinking that she was looking into the eyes of pure evil.  He quickly brushed it off and offered her a diet soda. She tried to hide that she was sniffing the soda to be sure there was no alcohol in it.  She drank it down and that was the last thing she recalled.  In her groggy state she realized that he must have drugged her soda and tied her up. She was only in her bra and underpants, no blankets; the room was freezing, and she was shivering.  She tried to wriggle out of the straps just as Damien walked into the room.  “is it cold enough for you babe? Don’t be pulling on those straps, it will only make them tighter. You were a bad girl last night so I needed to teach you a lesson.”  Callie pleaded for him to let her go. She cried, she promised she would be good, she really needed to use the bathroom and she was parched.  Damien seemed amused at her pleas. “Well, well, look who all of a sudden needs me. You aren’t so smart now are you?  Let’s see what all of that college can do for you now.”  Callie was terrified, she had no idea Damien was so disturbed. She knew there were warning signals, but nothing that that made her think it would lead to this. He left the room and told her to “figure it out.”  She screamed for him to let her go so she could go to the bathroom.  She looked at the clock, it was 10 a.m. She had the soda last night at 8 p.m.  She doubted that Damien took her to the restroom after her drugged her so she estimated that her bladder hadn’t been emptied for around fourteen hours. She was in serious pain, she felt like her bladder would burst. Eventually, she couldn’t control herself and she laid in a puddle of her own urine. When Damien came back in, he got a big kick out of it. He teased her at first and then yelled at her for making a mess. She knew he was out of control and she knew she was in serious trouble.  Nobody would miss her or try to find out where she was for a few days. College classmates would assume she skipped class. Damien had arranged for the two of them to be off work for some sort of “surprise”.  She wondered what kind of drugs he was on.

Callie watched the clock and tried to keep herself calm.  It was now 2 in the afternoon; she had been laying in her own urine the entire time and hadn’t had food or water since the day prior.  She heard Damien leave the house once and come back in. He was pacing the floor and talking to himself. She could hear him pound his fists and yell, but she couldn’t make out what he was saying.  Every 20 minutes or so, he would peak in at her and not say a word. She stopped begging for him to help her because it seemed to agitate him and make him more determined to keep her right where she was.  It was now 7 p.m.  She hadn’t heard Damien around the house for hours, so she closed her eyes to try to sleep but it was impossible to sleep while shivering. Damien had told her that he put the air conditioning unit down to 58 degrees, he wanted to see her become as cold physically as she was emotionally to him. She hadn’t responded to that comment; she had learned to keep her mouth shut.

Callie was awakened by something touching her. She saw Damien standing over her and was startled.  He threw a towel on her and told her would let her get cleaned up if she promised to be good. She nodded her head. He took her right arm out of the strap and watched as she wiped herself off. She was humiliated and burning with anger at how he could be such an animal and how she was so stupid to fall for him.  She longed to be around her parents’ dinner table or with Pastor Gary and his wife Trisha.  Damien tied her right arm back up, but she had tightened her fist while he was doing it, so she was already working her arm out of the strap. He let her left arm go and told her to finish what she started and he would get her a clean pair of panties.  He turned for just a moment to get the underwear and she was able to finish freeing her right arm. She grabbed the lamp, beside the bed and smashed it over his head.  He screamed and she ran, she ran out the door with the towel in her hand, wrapping it around her as she ran.  She ran all the way down the hall and out the door. She screamed for help and flagged down a neighbor.  A nice, older lady took her inside her apartment and called the police.

After hours of searching, they found Damien, took him into custody, and was able to contact a family member; his estranged mother who lived two states away. Damien’s mother informed the police that he was abused as a child. His Father was abusive to them both and she had never had the strength to leave. She knew Damien was being abused, but she didn’t know how to stop it; she had become complacent.  Her husband died of a heart attack when Damien was only eight years old, but the damage had already been done.   Damien was cruel to other kids, he was cruel to her, and he was cruel to animals, so she never let him have pets. She couldn’t afford counseling, so she just let his behavior go. When he was 14, he started drinking.  The years of drugs and alcohol altered his brain and his behavior. She knew he could have been a good citizen; she knew he was smart. Before the abuse began, Damien would read books that were way more advanced than his age. He would solve crossword puzzles and do math equations just for fun. He was also kind, rescuing small animals and crying if one of them was hurt. It was after the abuse started that Damien began to change from the sweet, smart little boy into the demon he had become.  Damien’s mom became so afraid of him, she would lock herself in the bedroom at night. She hid the cutlery and always kept an eye on him.  Damien left the house when he was 16 and never returned.  She had only heard from him a handful of times since he left.

As Callie digested the information about Damien, she knew she needed to be grateful for her escape. Damien had gone to a very dark place and needed some serious help.  Callie decided not to press charges on the condition Damien would get counseling and she would get a restraining order against him.  Callie realized a restraining order wouldn’t stop him if he was determined, but it was a start.  Callie needed to get back on track in life and get back to her roots; to leave behind all of the wreckage and clutter she left behind and start fresh.  She was so regretful of relationships she didn’t nurture, and she understood what she needed to do next. She picked up her phone, looked through her contacts and waited for the familiar voice to answer. “Hi, Pastor Gary, this is Callie….”