From top to bottom, left to right: Upside down Snickers, Snickers in her skeleton costume, Snickers and her friend, Zoe, the night before Zoe had to go to the rainbow bridge, Sassy Sophie, Sophie in her PJ’s, Serious Sophie. The last picture is out of order, but it is Snickers opening her Christmas present.

Pet owners understand how much their furry family member actually becomes a deeply rooted part of the family.  Our pets are unconditional in their love for us; almost to a fault. Pets that have irresponsible owners, still love them.  There’s an old joke that goes something like this:  If you are wondering who is more loyal to you; your wife or your dog, try locking both in the trunk for an hour and see who is happier to see you.  Seriously though, dogs are so fun to have because they are excited to see you whether you are picking them up from a 2 week vacation, or you just went out to get the mail.  Their enthusiasm is contagious; we can learn so much from our dogs. The heartache we feel when they are gone is immense, but I wouldn’t trade it; the joy I received because of my dogs is immeasurable.

My most recent dog, Sophie, passed away on August 14th, 2022. She was a beautiful Lhasa-Apso/Shih-Tzu mix.  I adopted her when she was 10 or 11 years old. I had just lost my first dog, Snickers, in May of 2017. I was volunteering at the humane society, walking dogs. I was lonesome for a dog and had decided to bring home a blonde dog that looked a lot like Snickers. When I arrived at the shelter, that dog had been adopted.  One of the workers told me there was a small dog that was just brought in. I went to look at her, and wasn’t really in love at first sight.  She had a really short haircut that didn’t make her very pretty.  I took her outside and she claimed me. I sat with her and she got onto my lap, put her paws up on my shoulders and just stared at me. That was it, the connection had been made.

We were Sophie’s 6th home!  From ages 1-3 we don’t have a history, but I suspect she was a breeding dog.  From 3-9 she lived with a couple in Missouri, but was sent to a shelter when her owner fell ill.  Her next owner kept her for a year but couldn’t afford the expensive dental work. Usually, I get all judgy on people, but this lady had Sophie groomed and gave her her shots and heartworm medicine before bringing her in. Sophie attached to me immediately and became my shadow. She had the best, twitchy, tail!  She also nose-bumped your leg when she wanted to bring attention to herself. When I first adopted her, I was still mourning Snickers and figured she would be a good distraction. An older dog can’t weave their way too far into your heart, right?  Wrong!!!!!  I am still very sad about Sophie; I miss her funny prance when she walked, I missed the awkward way she would jump when it was mealtime, I miss her wagging tail and nose bumps. She had lots of security issues, and I was her safe person; although she got pretty attached to my husband too!

When Snickers died, it was awful; I had her since she was a pup and she was truly like a child to me. I was never able to have biological children and Snickers filled a void that I can’t explain.  I wrote a very long, 14 page document after she passed, to help me mourn.  Below are a few excerpts from Memoirs of Snickers. This is a long post, and you may want to read it in a couple of shifts, but if you are like me; you know the pain of losing a pet. In my case, my grief came from dogs. I’ve had cats, and had a very sad time putting them down. There is something about having a dog(s), that was so gratifying to me. Read on:

I remember Kent and me sitting at our table a couple of hours after the appointment.  I started the conversation.  

“My heart hurts”.  “I know; I almost feel sick to my stomach”. “It feels oppressive”. “I hate to say it, but it’s as bad as losing a family member”. “She was a family member”. “I know”. “We spent more time with her than any family member”. “15 years”. “Yah, short of vacations and her hospital stay, she was with us the whole time. She depended on us”. “She sure did”. “I’m going to miss her”. “Me too, my mind keeps playing tricks on me”. “Mine too. We have a lot of unlearning to do”. “I know these last 2 years my whole schedule revolved around her”. “She sure did become attached to you” “I know everyone who has to put a dog down probably feels like they had the best dog, but she really was a great dog. We should write down all the things we remember about her”. 

That was how the following list was born. It is random and out of order, but that is how my brain was working.  I just started typing the list as fast as I could think. The thoughts kept flooding in, almost as fast as the tears were rolling down my face.  After many line entries, I read the list to Kent and he started mentioning his memories.  I kept the list random on purpose. It is a crazy long list, but doesn’t scratch the surface of things that fly through our brains at any one time. Some of the items on the list won’t make sense to others, but these are our memories and they make perfect sense to us. 

Things we remember about Snickers 

• She was always happy…her butt wiggled 
• She loved treats …She loved carrots 
• ….and pickles 
• ….and cucumbers 
• …and watermelon 
• She used to do laps around the house when Kent would play with her 
• She loved her belly rubs and would lick at the air 
• She knew how to open presents with her teeth 
• She hated dog parks 
• She didn’t like when her paws had something on them 
• Her fur was like Velcro to leaves and other dry material 
• When she was 1 year and less, she played with a cat named Snickers and they would chase each other 
• When she was young, we gave her ice cream in a plastic bowl. If we did so on a tiled floor , she would pick it up and take it to the carpet so she could lick it because it scooted across the floor 
• She wouldn’t look at herself in the mirror 
• She would bark at her food bowl if it wasn’t on a placemat 
• She also didn’t like her metal treat bowl on the floor, she would bark at it 
• She was afraid of the pots and pan cabinet 
• After every bath, she would run circles around the house and rub her face on the carpet/rugs 
• She always let us know when she needed to go out 
• She was selective of what dogs she associated with 
• She was friends with Zoe, Cubby, Hamish, Lola, Parker 
• 4^th of July was an awful time for her 
• She would howl at sirens  
• She hated her claws clipped 
• So much so the Veterinarian “put a note” on her chart to know how many people it took to do it 
• She hated her teeth brushed but loved her toothpaste 
• She would look at me sideways and bark when I told her to “wait” for her treat 
• She wanted you to chase her when she had something 
• She didn’t like to be held much……until the last few weeks of her life 
• She used to be a good “nurse” : she knew when someone was sick and she would not leave their side 
• She used to love when you’d ask her if she wanted to go “night night” 
• She knew SO many words and phrases:  “you wanna go for a ride” “We have company” “Who’s here”, “Where’s Kent”, “Where’s Lana”, “No”, “Wait”, “Stay”, “Sit”, “Shake”, “Grammie and Grampie are here”, “Bob and Beth”, “Marlene”, “Greenie”, “Dinner”, “Wanna Walk”, “Down”, “Circle”, “Zoe”,  “wanna take a nap”, “Dog store”, “Let me pick you up”(that would always make her turn sideways so we could scoop her up. 
• She loved to play with a milk jug. We would put something in it to make it rattle and it would drive her crazy with anticipation
• No matter how many times Zoe would not engage in play, she still tried to get her to play and run 
• Every time company would leave, she would bark like crazy, we never really figured out what that was all about 
• She loved “Girls weekend” when my sisters visited 
• If I would “accidentally” drop a treat or food, I would say “uh-oh” and she would run into the kitchen to search the floor for her treasure 

After the list was created, we began to look at pictures and videos. It felt good to see her active and playful.  It almost lifted the oppression of sadness; Almost. How did we get to this point of walking in the house and feeling so lonely, of looking at the house and seeing her everywhere, of needing to pack her things up just so it wasn’t so painful?  I’ve had cats and rabbits as pets. She was my first dog. I never knew my heart had the capacity for so much pain from losing a pet. Then again, she wasn’t really a dog; that’s what we always said. “Snickers doesn’t think she’s a dog”. 

(Fast forward 10 pages and several years )

In 2014, Kent retired and stayed home.  He and Snickers were together all the time. He kept pretty busy, but he always planned his day around her.  He was her caregiver and the two of them grew pretty close to each other. She didn’t like letting him out of her sight for long.  We started to notice a slowdown in Snickers around 2016. It wasn’t much; she just didn’t run as fast. She didn’t like to be in the basement, and she seemed to stop listening to us. She had always been a voice command dog. That doesn’t mean she always obeyed, but she always listened. I remember that she learned the perimeter of our yard in every house we lived in. I’m still not sure how she did that, but if she started to wander outside the area of our yard all I would have to say is “in our yard” and she would turn around and come back.  She stopped obeying this command, and stopped coming when we called. We realized she was starting to lose her hearing. Her eyes had also taken on a cloudy hue. She was aging fast. This is also when we would have to start looking for her in the house. Once in a while she just wanted to be alone, especially when company came over. This was definitely a twist, she usually enjoyed when people came over. She used to run to the door when we said “We’ve got company”. 

I remember one day I was getting ready for work and I heard a “thud”, I ran out to see what it was, and Snickers had fallen down the first landing of our steps. We thought maybe it was because she was sleeping too close to the top step.  We picked her up; made sure she was fine and let her roam around. She seemed to be fine and we didn’t have another incident, at least not for another few months. 

Early in 2017, I started to fund raise for the mutt strut through our local humane society. The year prior we came in second place and this year I was determined to come in first. I wanted my Snickers to be “Top Dog”. I placed flyers with her cute face in every newspaper carrier in our neighborhood. I posted on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and at work.  We raised $4300.00 and came in first.  Snickers was named “Top Dog” and would get her face featured on the Fall Brew of a local brewery’s beer.  She was tired at the mutt strut, but I attributed it to old age. We knew she was arthritic and had put her on Rimadyl, a prescription I tried to avoid. The medication helped her walk, but she was lethargic. She turned 15 the week after the Mutt Strut. We enjoyed our memories of this little girl and marveled at how tough she had been all her life.  We felt bad that she couldn’t see well, nor could she hear much more than loud noises. 

A few days after her Birthday, she started panting pretty heavily. We thought maybe it was because she was hot. The weather was starting to turn warmer and she was never a fan of the heat. We experienced a cool spell a few days later and she was still panting, and pacing more.  I told Kent I was going to make an appointment to get her lungs x-rayed.  A year earlier we had an x-ray and were told she had a slightly enlarged heart. I wanted to make sure her lungs were clear, and get medication if not. 

We went in on Monday, May 22^nd for the appointment. When the Vet tech brought Snickers back in from her x-ray, she pulled the picture up on the monitor, said she would get the Doctor, and left the room.  I looked at the x-ray and my heart stopped.  I work in radiology so I know what lungs should look like. They aren’t supposed to be white like hers were.  All of her left lung was white and all but a small portion of her right lung was white.  The Veterinarian came in and confirmed that Snickers’ lungs were filled with fluid. He said she was struggling to breathe.  We couldn’t bear the news. Kent asked if we could put her on Lasix to relieve some of the fluid. The Veterinarian agreed that it might help but told us it was only a temporary fix. We knew this but we needed to buy a couple of days.  He gave her a shot of Lasix and sent us home with some pills that would last us until Wednesday.  We went home very sad and hoping her breathing would improve.  She peed a lot that night and seemed to improve in breathing; it gave us some relief and hope.  We made the call that we didn’t want to make and set an appointment up for the Veterinarian to come to our house that Thursday afternoon to do the euthanasia.  We told a few friends and let them come over to say goodbye that first night.  We took her for a few walks, in her stroller, and told some of the neighbors that knew her.  Our hearts were so heavy. 

Tuesday night was not a good night. She woke up in the middle of the night and fell over as she was pacing, she was struggling to breathe.  I took her out to go potty and lay with her for a long time until she fell asleep. The next morning we awoke at 6 a.m.  She was still struggling and we knew it was time. We called the Veterinarian and left a message asking if we could bring her in. Tammy, the receptionist, called back at 8:00 and indicated that the Doctor wouldn’t be in until 9:00.  Kent walked with Snickers in his arms for a long time that morning.  She wanted to be outside pacing on the sidewalk, and then she wanted in his arms.  I think it calmed her down; she couldn’t get comfortable. When Kent brought her inside, arms tired from holding her so long, I took over.  I held her for a while, sat with her cradled in my arms, and then finally lay on the floor with her sleeping next to me.  I watched her for the longest time while Kent had an Amazon playlist going. It was the first time I heard the song by James Blunt; Carry you home.  I wondered about the irony or cruelty of that song playing at that time.  I literally was watching my girl breathing for the last time.  I lay there, tears streaming down my face recalling all the memories of my sweet girl.  I got up to grab a Kleenex when they called back at 9:00 and told us to come right away. We brought her in; something we didn’t want to do to her. She did not like going to the office.  They started an IV and brought her back to us; Snickers was panting and unsettled. It must have been hard to get the IV.  Finally, the Veterinarian came in and asked us if we were ready.  How could one ever be ready for this?  We indicated that we were and Kent held her while the injection was made. It was seconds before she stopped breathing. That was it. She was gone. I picked up her little limp body and held her in my arms.  How could 15 years go by so fast? What would we do without her? She became so ingrained in our lives; I couldn’t imagine walking in our door without her. 

We walked in our house, hearts aching, and feeling overwhelmed.  That was how we got to the conversation of “My heart hurts”.  Our hearts still ache; our house still feels a little emptier.  We miss the click-click-click we became accustomed to. We miss her silly antics, her big brown eyes, and her big presence.  We seem to do better for a brief time but then a thought will rush into our brains.  It might be the thought of “what time is it? I need to feed Snickers”.  At night, sometimes, I wake up and instinctively look down but she isn’t there. When we are planning to go somewhere, we have a flash of a thought that we need to take Snickers out first, but we don’t.  The other day when the windows were open, the blinds banged against the window frame because of the wind; I started crying. She was afraid of that noise. She didn’t like windy days; wind made doors slam, window blinds bang, and it ruffled the fur on her bottom. She never liked the wind blowing against her bottom; it must have felt funny because it always made her nub go down and she’d turn around to go back home.  Sometimes our memories make us laugh, sometimes they make us cry.  Our hearts always feel a little heavy and achy. This is the price you pay for loving a pet and making them part of your family. It can rip your heart out and hurt so bad. You can’t avoid grief, you can’t make it go away; it must be felt and it must go through its course. As much as I hurt, I would do it all over again to have that little dog back in my life. She brought more joy than I ever thought a dog could.  She really was a great dog. Night’ night’ Snickers, night’ night. 

 Thank you for taking the time to read this very long excerpt. If you’ve read this far, it is probably because you have experienced the pain of losing a pet. I felt so sad after Sophie passed; her death was much more unexpected, she hadn’t been sick.  Somehow, she got an infection and her heart stopped. I still miss her, but I didn’t feel the need to do a long memoir. I know we gave Sophie an excellent life. She was a great dog too. I think there are special places in our hearts for our pets. You probably have your own story to share and your own hole in your heart from a lost pet. As I stated earlier, I wouldn’t trade my memories of Snickers or Sophie. They made me laugh, they brought us joy, they were each great dogs in their own way. I would like to think I am a little better of a person because of my dogs. I wonder if you can relate.