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Marla looked over at Jax and Shauna, wondering how at 60 years old, she could ever be a substitute for a young parent. Jax was thirteen and Shauna was eleven; she thought about the long journey to  where she was, emotionally, at this point in time.  Thinking about Josie, her daughter evoked such a mixture of emotions, it was difficult to process.  Looking at her grandchildren did the same; getting to this point in her life has been a whirlwind and a process unmatched by anything she would have chosen for herself.  

Josie and Dax were each thirty when Jax was born; they had been dating for 4 years before deciding to get married and waited for one year before they decided to try for children.  They did everything the right way, unlike Marla.  Josie went to technical school to do software programming and Dax worked in construction; a passion he inherited from his father. Dax was good; he was able to build or fix anything, so when he decided to build their own home, it was no surprise.  Dax worked tirelessly on the ranch-style home which would hold 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a basement, a screened-in porch, and a magnificent yard for kids to play.  The house took almost an entire year, since he built it in his spare time.  Sadly, he only enjoyed a year in the home before the tragic accident at work occurred.   He had been working on scaffolding, when he lost his balance. Normally, he would have been fine, but it had started raining, unexpectedly, and the blinding rain made it impossible to keep his balance. While trying to descend from the scaffolding, a large bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree, splitting it in two.  The tree was far enough away from the site, but the commotion it caused startled Dax and once he lost his balance, he couldn’t regroup.  He fell to the ground, breaking his neck, taking his life instantly.  Jax had just turned two years old three months prior.  Josie would learn the next month that she was three months pregnant.  

Josie was devastated; she and Dax were soulmates.  They completed each other’s thoughts and sentences almost as much as they completed each other’s lives. Marla could barely stand to see her daughter become a single Mom, with another on the way at only 32.  As distraught as Josie was, she told her mom she would get through; she had their church family to help, and her small group would help carry her through.  Marla thought it was nonsense and brushed off several invitations to church. “If Josie’s god was so good, why did he take Dax away”, Marla often thought to herself. The last time she voiced that thought, Josie shushed her and wouldn’t hear any of it.  Josie had slugged down whatever punch that church was handing out and Marla wouldn’t convince her otherwise.

Marla wasn’t brought up in the church, so she was surprised when Josie told her how happy she and Dax were to be attending the weekly services and joining several groups. Dax helped with any maintenance issues and Josie helped out in the church food pantry.  They were just as happy as pigs in mud, Marla thought.  Marla didn’t grow up knowing about church folks or even her own mother; her mom left Marla and her dad when she was three.  Her dad was a salesman that traveled quite a bit for work. He did the best he could, but he needed to earn a living, so Marla spent lots of time with family members that were able to bear the burden of another child in the house.  By the time Marla was twelve, she convinced her dad to let her stay alone.  Back then, there weren’t child protective agencies like there are now, so nobody paid much attention. Marla had to learn how to grow up fast; she cooked, cleaned, and went to school. When her dad didn’t travel, he was good about spending time with her; he taught her how to fish, throw a line-drive, and dance.  She loved when he taught her how to dance.  “You’ll need to know how to do this when you start dating” he told her once.  He was an amazing man, which made it all the more difficult when he had a sudden heart-attack and was taken away from her when she was just 17 years of age.  Marla was angry at everyone and everything.  She was especially angry at God, even though she didn’t know much about him.  Her dad had told her he believed in God, and wanted to get them started at church “someday”. That someday never came, and it was just fine with Marla. She didn’t want anything to do with it. How could there be a god that was good if all he did was take people away from her.   

Marla started acting out by partying and staying out late.  She was supposed to live with an aunt and uncle, per the courts, but she didn’t want to live with them, and they didn’t seem to care that she didn’t come home at night.  Eventually, she moved out altogether.  Two months before her eighteenth Birthday, she moved in with a guy she met at a party; Will. She dated Will for almost a year before becoming pregnant at which time he bolted. She never knew where he went, and never bothered pursuing him.  When Josie was born, she left the “Father” portion of the birth certificate as “Unknown”.  It wasn’t untrue; she would never admit it to anyone, but she had slept with two other men while living with Will.  She really wasn’t sure who the father was and looking at Josie didn’t help clear things up.  She could barely recall what the two others looked like. It wasn’t something she was proud of, but then again, there were lots of things she should probably be ashamed of.

Marla watched Josie raise her children the way good parents raise their kids; with boundaries and discipline, with love and affection, with school and church. Well, Marla didn’t necessarily believe the church part was necessary, but it seemed okay for them.  After Shauna was born, Josie needed more help than what the church friends could provide.  Marla moved into the basement which was more like an apartment. Dax had paid attention to every detail in that area, down to the guest kitchen.  When Josie and the kids were upstairs, she couldn’t hear them and they couldn’t hear her. There was even a separate entrance, so keeping privacy between all of them was easy.  Marla didn’t want to be overbearing; she just wanted to be available when Josie needed her.

Marla attended every school function, went to every Birthday party, watched the kids when Josie needed to be away, and thoroughly loved her grandchildren.  They had a great relationship. When Josie started getting headaches and nausea more often than normal, Marla took the kids to school.  When Shauna turned seven, Marla made the Birthday cake because Josie was too sick to do so.  Josie promised to go see the doctor the following week.

The following week turned into a nightmare.  After running several lab tests, MRI’s and CT scans, Josie was diagnosed with metastatic ovarian cancer.  It had spread throughout her abdomen and into her brain; which explained the headaches she had been having.  The doctors weren’t sure how long she had to live, but they all knew her time was limited.  Marla had no idea it would last two years.  

Josie was rock solid in her faith the entire time.  On the days she was feeling well enough, she worked on her software programming from home. Her employer was amazing; they never made her feel like it was an imposition if she couldn’t work.  Her church friends offered to take the kids to church if Josie wasn’t feeling well.  Her pastor came by often to check on her and the kids and offer prayer.  It was three months before Shauna’s ninth Birthday when Josie called Marla into the bedroom, where she had been spending more time.

“Mom, Jax just turned eleven and Shauna will be nine soon.  I don’t know how much longer I will be here, and I need you to know that I appreciate everything you have done for us.  I know you never planned on raising kids again, but God has other plans.  Promise me, Mom, that you will continue to take the kids to church. I know you don’t believe, but maybe in time you will. In the meantime, please don’t take that away from them”.  Marla promised.  It would be four months later that Josie breathed her last.   After Marla walked out of the bedroom the day of the promise, she heard Josie call the kids in.  “Listen kids. Someday, Grandma will be taking care of you.  I am going to be with Jesus, and your dad.  Don’t ever lose your faith, and don’t ever turn away from the good path you are on right now.  There will be times that you do things you shouldn’t, and you will feel bad for sinning but know that God still loves you.  When you feel regret for doing something bad, it just means the Holy Spirit is living inside of you and trying to get you back on track.  Please pray for Grandma and be patient with her; she has had a lot of hard things happen to her and she needs time. Just keep praying and know that I will always love you. Someday you will both see me and your daddy”.  Marla snuck away and pretended she hadn’t heard any of that conversation.

Here she was, missing her daughter, sitting in her chair, looking down at the book in her hand.  Marla had moved up to the main house after Josie passed.  It was one month after Shauna’s Birthday that Josie succumbed to cancer.  The ceremony was at her church where every detail was taken care of. Her church friends wouldn’t let Marla do anything, and that was fine with her; she was numb.  She had watched her baby girl breathe her last breath with so much dignity, she was dumbfounded. She couldn’t understand what made Josie so strong.  

Marla kept her promise and took the kids to church every week.  She tried to block out the sermons and sat down during the singing.  She played with her phone and did whatever else she could, so she didn’t have to listen to the preacher pretend everything was good in the world.  Her daughter was buried underground, the kids had no parents, and she had bricks around her heart from a life that offered little good except for her Josie.  Week after week, she attended and blocked out all that mumbo jumbo.  She did have to admit that the people were nice; they offered to take the kids to the church events during the week and always asked if she needed anything.  She would smile and thank them and would let the kids go to whatever events they wanted. The kids were doing remarkably well, and Marla always made sure to keep Josie’s memory alive with them.

Marla remembers when the change happened. She was sitting in church with the kids on a cold December morning.  She was looking down at her phone when she barely heard something the pastor said.  “Our hearts can be as cold as this December day, but once we know the love that God poured out through His Son, our hearts will be on fire. We will want to do good for His glory. We will start to feel ashamed of ourselves when we sin; that is how we know His Holy Spirit is living inside of us…….” This was what Josie was telling her children, Marla remembered.  Marla started thinking of all the times she was angry, all the relationships she had with men, all the times she partied too hard when she was young, all the times she was easily frustrated with others, all of the unforgiveness in her heart, all of the times she turned away from Josie whenever the topic of God or Jesus would come up, all of the self-pity she was filled with from the cards that were dealt to her. Her mind was racing with guilt when she felt a hand in each of hers. She looked on either side of her to see Jax and Shauna. She had been crying and didn’t realize it; the church was empty except for Pastor Tom sitting up front, in the first row of seats with his head down. He was praying. She wondered how long she had been oblivious to her surroundings, feeling ashamed of her own filth.   “Grandma, do you want to go up front and let Pastor Tom and us pray with you?” asked Jax.  Barely nodding yes, Marla stood up with her grandchildren on either side of her.  They touched Pastor Tom on the shoulder and he stood up, faced Marla and asked if he could place his hands on her shoulders. He prayed over her and asked her if she would like to place her trust in Jesus and recognize that her sins would be wiped clean because of his sacrifice.  She said yes and felt the weight of the world remove itself from her shoulders.  She looked Pastor Tom in the eyes and told him thank you, she apologized for how stubborn she had been.  He was more than gracious with her and told her how happy he was that angels in heaven were rejoicing over her salvation.  It made her think of Josie and Dax.

That seemed like an eternity ago, but it was only a year. Now, as she sat looking down at the bible in her hands thinking about her special praying place. Her “prayer chair” she called it, she thought of how mature Jax was getting to be at 13 years of age.  How Shauna was a young lady starting to look like her mother. She looked over at Jax and Shauna and smiled, wondering how on earth she would manage to be a substitute for their parents. She knew she couldn’t, but she knew that the One who substituted for the punishment of her sins would help her through.  She thanked God, silently, for teaching her this lesson; for having a daughter that had enough wisdom to know that her mother would become a believer in due time, and for the honor that she was given to raise two beautiful children and have a second chance at parenting while becoming alive for the first time.